Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Mutant Mayhem
Directed by Jeff Rowe
Running time: 1hr40 | REVIEWED BY CATHERINE BRAY
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Mutant Mayhem
People who write about film pay a decent amount of lip service to the idea of “slow cinema”, commonly defined as cinema in which sparse narratives play out across films with fewer cuts, longer scenes and a reserved or minimalist style. (Noted practitioners of the form include Béla Tarr, Andrei Tarkovsky and Nuri Bilge Ceylan.)
Audiences’ appetite for slow cinema varies. I would have to confess that while I’ve enjoyed many of slow cinema’s gems, the promise of slowness is not, in and of itself, necessarily a draw. Whereas fast cinema… hey, at least if it’s bad, it’s over quickly, right? Slow cinema is Pink Floyd, fast cinema is Sex Pistols. They both have some top-tier hits, and slow cinema probably boasts more masterpieces, but slow duds are a more painful experience.
For me, “fast cinema” – a species of film to which the unexpectedly hilarious Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Mutant Mayhem undeniably belongs – is defined by three things. Firstly, a runtime well under two hours, and probably not much longer than 90 minutes (Turtles clocks in at 100). Secondly, fast cinema requires the viewer to process lots of information quickly. In the case of Turtles, blink and you’ll miss a visual gag. Let your attention wander and you won’t catch a throwaway quip or reference. Glance at your watch even briefly, and an entire cityscape, beautifully rendered in kaleidoscopic neon, is gone.
Thirdly, fast cinema should feel fleet of foot as a cultural object – not tethered to some ponderous wider franchise or story-world, the latest lengthy chapter in the soul-crushing infinite roll-out of a multi-strand marketing strategy decades in the making. Like really good fast food, fast cinema should feel throwaway, yet totally delicious. Turtles (which is directed by Jeff Rowe, who was also behind Film of the Week favourite The Mitchells vs the Machines) meets all these criteria. Sure, there are goofy brand tie-ins (with Pizza Hut and Primark), yes, it’s based on existing IP and of course there will be a sequel (as set up in the credits), but right now you’re not required to watch the sequel or prequel or TV series to understand everything you need to understand about this film. It’s a single serving, and it hits the spot – fast.
TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES: MUTANT MAYHEM (2023) Written by Seth Rogen, Evan Goldberg, Jeff Rowe, Dan Hernandez, Benji Samit | Production design by Yashar Kassai
In cinemas now
